Finding Hedaooland

Post Birthday gyaan

2009-03-13T03:29:00.000-07:00

The day after my 21st birthday, I realize there are things in my life that must be publicly acknowledged and seeing as how my blog is the best way to make what is private public,(but keep it private anyway, because no reads my blog) here goes.

1. I am very loved.
I cant for the life of figure this one out and i admit it has had a rather perplexing effect on me over the years, but I must accept the fact that I am very lovable. After all my girlfriend, my family and my close friends can't all be completely wrong.

2.I am free.
I have no obligations, restrictions, my life truly is what i choose to make it. There is nothing to prove and nothing that needs to be displayed for people's approval and patronage. There is just love, passion, energy, imagination and adventure bursting inside me that's dying to get out and manifest itself.

3.I am.
I am an over thinker, a self depreciator, a bottler of anger, an excessively cute young boy, an over eater, an indulgent procrastinator, a special person but not so special that i have special responsibilities or anything of that sort, a topclass romantic, an average singer, a terrible liar, a sarcastic bastard, a sit down comic, a rebel with out a cause, a citizen of my own mind, a wannabe writer, a wannabe non conformist, a wannabe simple man, a wannabe wannabe, a blind passenger without a ticket on a train to God-only-knows-where, whose seeeing eye dog is on vacation in Egypt

I am.

Guilt and The Illusion of Perfection

2009-02-21T20:46:00.000-08:00

Guilt. I dont want to feel guilt anymore, it is the most completely useless and painful things to feel. It is a weapon society uses to control you. It can be about anything regardless of how small or how big, not doing enough or doing too much, being selfish or simply unproductive. Freud spoke about the id, ego and superego, the superego being the norms of society we internalize, it keeps us in 'control' , id on the other hand is raw desire, a primitive vestige or our reason d'etre? Individual desire, desire for anything is what society always tries to keep in check, however it is the force that keeps society together. I for one an jettisoning my superego, I'm tired of being controlled by the expectations of others, constantly wondering if i had done something wrong, agonising over it again and again and generally living with guilt and shame. I want to be guiltless, I want to be able to kill without even a trace of remorse. Society places a high value on guilt, if someone feels bad about what they have done, it makes the action less bad. Why torture someone when you can get them to do it, themselves? Feeling sorry for what you have done, is what makes you human, is what we are told. Never mind that it helps no one and makes you in to a bitter self loathing walking time bomb and nevermind that it would make more sense to focus on rectifying the problem if possible and if not simply making a note not to follow the same course of action again, with no feeling of hurt or shame. But society fears the id too much to ever let go of the superego. It fears what it cant control. It thus constantly creates this house of crazy mirrors, giving paradigms with which to view ourselves, always providing an image above all these mirrors, in any of our images in those mirrors, we are always too fat, too thin, too dumb, too boring, but not that image, it is above us all, the light bounces of all our mirrors and creates this magnificent icon, this model being, perfect in every way. It lords over us, once glance at it and we know who we are and who we should be and we fell the pain of that gap.

What is perfection? Who defines it? There is dark because there is light, there is fat because there is thin, there is shit because there is food. We know ourslves only by comparison with others. Take a moment to describe yourself, you make say somethin like - I'm smart, lazy, sensitive etc etc. Smart, hmm okay, that means you are smarter than many, if you had the same IQ but if you grew up after you were airdropped on to an island of super intelligent scientists, Einstein and the like, you probably wouldnt describe yourself as intelligent, you'd probably be noticed for some other quality which stood out, like how cute you are or how well you paint etc etc. Others define us, most of what we know about ourselves others tell us, then how can we cannot define perfection as pleasing others, living up to their expectations, keeping them happy with us.

Thank you

2008-07-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

Thank you

Thank you my friend for being warm and loving when I was cold and clammy
for being accepting when I was Judgmental
for understanding me

Thank you for for your time and energy you generously spent on me without reluctance
Thank you for being so much braver than me
Thank you for not hating my insanity
Thank you for not demanding sanity
Thank you for standing up for me
Thank you for touching me
Thank you for making me believe in me

Binding Contracts

2008-07-21T11:55:00.000-07:00

I'm not patriotic, in fact patriotism has a way of getting on my nerves, don't get me wrong I don't hate India or anything like that, I love its people each and every one so full of stories, its geography - deserts, mountains, beaches, snow,river and pretty anything else you want to add to the list, all in one country, being an Indian I think automatically makes you an explorer every 200 kms there is a different dialect spoken, there almost as many distinct communities as there are people, with strikingly different value systems and beliefs, you can't put your feet on the floor without being on Holy ground of some kind, a travelers paradise, my home, but what does it mean to love India, is it to love its people like your own, I know of people who speak with honest eyes of their love for India, not seeing the slightest contradiction in hurting Indians for India, no the India we speak of can not be people, because people are flawed and sweaty and not worth dying for. Nor is it the love of the land, most of us couldn't care less for territory that doesn't belong to us, or affects us in any way, other than in the occasional appearance of the territory equals manliness equals pride, ape man vestige. So ultimately India is an idea at best and a marketing gimmick at worst, alright never mind best and worst, lets throw morality out the window and get to the point of this post, India like any other nation is a contract, we follow certain rules and we get certain benefits, a simple as that. It is created by us for our benefit, it is a system that serves us, it is not our mother or a mystical spirit that binds all together. I think this rational view of India is one far healthier than the romantic pictures painted by politicians, which many a time results in politicians spending time and people voting on the basis of divisive notions of what is truly Indian and what is not, claiming a monopoly on deciding a culture that never existed in the first place. Now considering India is a contract, just like marriage is, rather than being a union of two souls with God in loving Holy matrimony, does that imply the contract can be broken if conditions are not met, the way a divorce happens when a marriages isn't working out or in other words isn't satisfying the needs it was set out to meet? It would an interesting way to look at secessionist movements or naxalism, but contracts do come with obligations, is every parent not obligated to ensure a child's good upbringing? Are we not responsible for a contract we created for our benefit? Are we not to work on bettering a system that is for our benefit? I don't think we NEED to do something for our mother land, I guess think we are all people stuck in this cramped up little room both terrible and beautiful, people, who all any others, that want the best for themselves, people of varied cultures and mindsets, people that aren't always rational and do silly things to make themselves feel better and the task in this room is very simple, to have the happy life for the most people possible, to make the best of a bad/good/fantastic situation. That is India.

5 ways to be completely miserable

2008-07-05T09:03:00.000-07:00

1. Always Compare yourself, regardless of how good you may feel about something in your life or how good you may think you r, there is surely someone who is much better than you. A better academic, better looking, a better son, a better lover, a better you. I'm sure someone reading this is thinking well I'm a positive person, these are the sort of things that push me to reach for the stars or something like that, but worry not, misery will hit you with an impact that the aimless loser will never know, you will spend ur life struggling to be better, from being a better sweeper than your Bungi to a better wrestler than the Undertaker (he is my favorite), like the proverbial dog chasing his own tail.

2. Suppress suppress suppress suppress and I cant overstate this, but I'll try, so suppress suppress suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress Suppress.

3. There is nothing like negative self talk to push you over the fence from being mildly upset to clinically depressed, here you can really let your creativity run wild, but a few classics I recommend are standing in front of a mirror and repeatedly saying 'you are so ugly' or if you are not much of a self talker constantly mentally playing back the most painful, humiliating times in your life can be rather effective, you may notice that with each passing time, the memory becomes more and more excruciating.

4. Someone once said "tell me who a man's friends are and i will tell you who he is", which seems like a rather dull guessing game to me, but nevertheless the point i was making is that with out a doubt relationships exert a significant influence on the way we see our selves and consequently on how miserable we are. The old saying goes misery loves company, but I say there is nothing like an egoistic, self centered, arrogant, insensitive, abusive person in your life to make you truly feel like rhinoceros droppings, to have your thoughts and emotions completely disregarded and mocked, to be violated and dehumanized on a daily basis, to have your inner most fears and insecurities not only confirmed but multiplied by someone you are 'close' to, to spend your life fighting for approval and acceptance from someone who values you about as much as Paris Hilton values her modesty, Ah, yes, sweet, sweet, self-loathing misery.

5. The title of a book by Andrew S. Grove is 'Only the paranoid survive', well if by survive he meant be be miserable, then I completely agree with him, in fact this last technique will ensure that you get rid of even the most enthusiastic goody two shoes and continue to wallow in your very own little emotional filth hole, with distrust, constant questioning and endlessly ridiculous accusations. You will find your mind too occupied with discovering plots to eliminate, torture and possibly experiment on you, to make the mistake of actually seeing reality and walking out the open door to life and fulfillment leaving behind the sticky sickly wretched comfort of your own personal hell.

Night - Lost Words 4

2008-04-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

The girl had deep round brown eyes, he loved them for they were beautiful, but what truly made them special was that when she slept, they awakened and spoke. They were very articulate, talkative eyes, and it strained them not to speak, while she was awake, when she shut her eyes, and felt music and allowed her thick lips to kiss the air, to kiss him, to feel his arms around her, it hurt them most grievously not to speak. She had grown into a rather homely sort of beauty, that make men want to marry, and yet she was unsure of herself, unsure and somehow ashamed of her beauty, she was terribly unfashionable and being different troubled her greatly. She felt safe with him, protected, but in a sense she liked him mostly because he made her feel superior, he also seemed to come from another time, but unlike her, he flaunted his ‘strangeness’, and made it a point to laugh at himself, her friends said mean things about him, that she could not defend, but never the less she found it hard to imagine a day with out him in her life, it was simply too absurd an idea to entertain, and he did care for her, he even said he loved her, that scared her, she did care for him too, care, but love, things were nice enough as they were, she didn’t want them to change. A silly unviable thing to want, she wasn’t a very rational person.

One night like many nights, her eyes spoke. “And what shall become of us, pray tell?” said one, “Will you for a second, think about what she needs, I mean she can’t risk it all, just for him, after everything we have been through. Besides he doesn’t even know what he wants, he doesn’t do so much as even attempt to court her properly” replied the other.

“There will be consequences to pay, no doubt about that”

“Obviously, do you have any idea what every one would say?”

“She does love him though”

“I know, but it would not be right, not now, even for him, we mustn’t think of it. He mustn’t think of it. She isn’t ready, she isn’t comfortable”

“We will never be happy will we?”

“Hush no one can know about us, and trust me, she has a lot of things people can’t know about, she’s different, she needs protecting, how can she trust him now, when she doesn’t even understand herself”

“I suppose you’re right, no point getting all teary over nothing, but this isn’t the end, is it, I mean there’s still hope, isn’t there”

“There is still hope”

The next morning when she awoke she felt bits of a dream she couldn’t quite remember, she felt different and less alive but she couldn’t put her finger on why, she went through the motions that same as she did before, but everything felt different.

As she slept that night, he lay awake, unable to sleep, a strange warm feeling coursing through his body, it was completely unknown to him and it made him uncomfortable as he tossed and turned all night. He felt a strong urge to touch and be touched. His feelings were nothing like his regular carnal feelings, nor could he satisfy them himself as easily. He felt so incredibly cold and incomplete with out her. He stepped out of bed and on to his verandah, and he took comfort from the moon’s gaze and the traffic lights and the occasional car, he wasn’t alone tonight. He wanted nothing more than to be with her and it was only his fear of losing her forever, because of one call at an inappropriate time and common sense that prevented him from calling her. He hated her family’s strictness and thought them hypocrites. He loved her. He hated her family’s strictness. Her family didn’t matter. He sat on the wind sill and watched bats fly and cars pass, and wondered why he had never stayed up like this before. He wandered the house then and watched his parents and sister sleep and felt sorry for them for not feeling what he did. He lay back on his bed and thought of tomorrow, he smiled. As dawn broke, sleep finally came for him and he slept a deep dreamless sleep.

I?

2008-04-22T00:16:00.000-07:00

Who am I? No seriously I want to know, who am I? I thought I knew, but I don't. Everything that makes me, me, I was ready to change, I was ready to be somebody else, to get someone's love, although the person they would be loving wouldn't be me. I am the class clown, the understanding friend, the rebel, the writer, the thinker, the scared child, the last to picked on a sports team, the poet, the hopeless romantic, the self centered older brother, the angry young man, the pretentiously deferent son, the uncaring pedestrian, the leering wolf, the affectionate drunk. Well I was all these things, but I turned my back on them. I said "Say the word, my love and they shall be gone", but for all my emotional back bending, it was not to be between us and now they are angry with me, my little things, they no longer want to be mine, they feel rejected and used and I can very well sympathize. Maybe it is for the best to leave some of my little things behind, but without them, who am I? I become a mass produced media product, the lowest common denominator, everything I detest. Then again maybe thats a little extreme and perhaps a few changes FOR ME and not to please anyone else, would help me to better communicate with people. Oh hell I could pendulate like this forever.

U r sweet

2008-04-19T09:21:00.000-07:00

"U r sweet, U r wonderful, ur adorable, i know u will do well in life and achieve ur dreams, I wish the best." Now think what does that mean? Honestly use your God given gift of discernment and tell me what you think it means, because I think it is toooooo sweeeet and toooooo ccccuuuuute . I mean you could really hurt people with that kind of sugar coated bull shit. I think it means "so long, goodbye, u aren't good enough for me, but hey who knows maybe one day u wont be a complete loser, here's hoping" Sweetness makes me bitter. Charity teaches me to be self centered. The term "Nice " comes from the Greek words ni which literally translates as' stupid', and cesis which was the ancient Greek equivalent of the English word 'cunt', so what I'm getting at is that being called nice is the same as being called a stupid cunt, is that simple enough to understand? Well alright, maybe my etymology is a little rusty, but its not nearly as full of bull crap as the whole sweet-cutey deal (man i think im going to throw up). The point I'm trying to make is while there maybe be people who genuinely believe themselves and their friends to be sweet and nice and blah, these words just become safety nets, just ways of beating around the bush and confusing people, of making language itself redundant and generic. If we use these words when we don't mean them, then they cease to have meaning. Besides I completely fail to understand this concept of being sweet to everyone, it breaks down any hope of honest communication or if you are trying to be both sweet and honest, chances are it will lead to a lot of misunderstandings. If you want to tell someone that you want to end a relationship or that you don't intend on starting one at all, you should simply say that, yes it will hurt, this is life, things hurt, (sometimes things feel incredibly good too), but as the saying goes, you can't make an omelet without breaking an egg. Social etiquette is one thing but clarity is a must, unlike myself not everyone is an expert at getting rejected and this isn't just about rejection, it could even be about giving bad news or an evaluation and whatever else, and oh yes, will you people please get marginally more creative and think any word other than sweet to describe your friends (especially girls), I'm tired of reading that word on every second testimonial on orkut.

Don't read this

2008-04-19T07:47:00.000-07:00

Kindly read the previous or the next post, if you have any respect for yourself or me. Thank you. Now that Ive given a disclaimer, its time to be pathetic, I feel unloved, so very unloved. Its seems like whatever I do isn't good enough and how ever hard I try, I just end up making things worse. I spend time with friends, but seeing their successes makes me feel my failures even more, somehow I just feel no happiness for them, at least not most of the time, it is probably because I am jealous, oh! Who am I kidding? I am jealous. I feel so terribly unappreciated, no one loves me, not the way I want to be loved, not the way I loved. Why is it that I find it so hard to accept compliments, but have no problem when it comes to criticism? I took away from myself, so they could not take from me, I would not need, I would leave my body, i would leave my soul, except that I didn't. Delusions. I laugh or grunt in disgust when people talk about feelings and affection for someone, but it is this very thing, that I long for, to give and receive freely with out a thought, with out hesitation, I would have done well to tell myself that such a thing does not exist, that the world is a hard place, made for hard people, not for fanciful ideas like love- mass produced media for the third world, fresh from their conference rooms to your heart, a Hallmark sponsored conspiracy! If only I could believe that, but I have seen too much, it is too late for denial, something else must be done, some other cure found. It seems the greatest healer in the history of existence must be called upon yet again, for lack of an effective alternative, he sees things more in the long term, but the chap gets the job done, if, that is you put yourself completely in his hands, offer no resistance, keep the faith and most importantly have patience. We all know him and regardless of how we may feel about him, there is no denying his supremacy in such matters . For he is the one and only and his name is time.

It hit

2008-04-18T12:06:00.000-07:00

A week after, I am lying on my bed, the air conditioner makes a cool breeze of the humid heat, its night and we are talking, suddenly it hits. I feel a sudden pang for four little paws, a wet nose and a fur ball that squeaks. That last night at Mangalore or rather in a village some 200 Kms, away from Mangalore, when I woke up a few hours before dawn and couldn't fall asleep, this little thing kept jumping up from my stomach to my chest, panting excited, I felt so incredibly honoured, for those few moments I was his world, I was big enough to be the ground beneath his feet, his enthusiasm to travel my body, made me feel so completely accepted and loved. No ifs, No buts, just unconditional love doled out, without a thought, well at least to my mind. I seems I may finally have understood why people love their pets so much, surprising it took me this long. I've long held the belief that animals are animals and cannot or should not be reconciled to a life of completely domesticity, mind you this belief, in no way stems from any love for animals, quite the contrary actually, I've had bad experiences with dogs as a child and my my mother's being afraid of them didn't help either, even as an adult I've been chased and frightened by packs of dogs late at night, I've felt terribly insulted when people choose to keep their dogs loose for their comfort, completely disregarding mine for the limited time I was around, I was taken aback with disgust when a cat or a dog in the slightest discomfort, provokes an out pouring of affection and sympathy, while human suffering makes people feel nothing. I suppose real relationship between equals are hard and tumultuous at best, sometimes its just so much easier to love and receive love from a lesser being (which would also explains quite a few human relationships). But inspite of my love for the little black and white puppy, I think it is rather delusional to think that animals love us. I do believe they are incapable of love, as we know it, everything they do has a biological function- mating (never for love or pleasure, only reproduction only during a particular saeson), child rearing (after the pups reach maturity, no further relationship is kept and they met even be competition to their parents). But the wishes of humans are paramount to the nature of nature and the lives of our lesser beings and as for our need for love, it is the nature of our nature, something far beyond the power of our choices.

Zacaha - Loat Words 3

2008-04-17T23:53:00.000-07:00

The Angel was tired, he/she but definitely not it lay upon a cloud; it was an especially starry night. Being tired is seldom heard of among angels, but this one Angel had been a particularly busy Angel that night, in a single night she/he has managed to singularly defy the one rule Angels have for themselves. Angel was called Zacaha, who shall hence forth be referred to as he for no reason other than convenience, his appearance at least the one he normally used was exceptional beautiful, he had long straight hair, thick juicy lips, olive oil skin, a large curvaceous limber body and magnificent, broad yet light wings growing out of his shoulder blades. He rested on his stomach with his nose buried in the crook of his arm and thought thoughts that were dangerous and not to be thought of, he feared the consequences of what he had done and yet a strong part of him yearned for punishment.

Zacaha was one of the most powerful angels, if not the senior most, he wasn’t even, one of the arlif, the angel elite, the wisest and the ones closest to the light, many among them witness to the true power of the light, taking cognizance of an act not to be repeated, sharing in its greatness. And yet Zacaha seemed to understand the founding elements even better than many of the arlif, he knew to be one with the wind and make fire dance between his palms, meaningless distractions were all they were really to an angel, but he seems to see great meaning in them, he understood things that he could not know and he always asked to find out, he made some of the elders uncomfortable if not with his questions then with his strangeness and his urge to serve them.

Angels are pure spirits, not physical in nature, not animals, neither are they men, both animal and spirit combined, and as such Angels tend not to concern themselves overly in the physical world lacking the senses to perceive it as animals do, although its understanding sometimes plays a vital role, in the successful completion of a task, physicality being so important to and at times intertwined with man’s spirit. Zacaha was acutely aware of angels’ completely ignorance of these matters and developed a curiosity about them after watching man after man destroy himself for them. He noticed things others didn’t, this made him different, special, it made him a teacher to those who were willing to learn from him. It was plain to all, that he was close to the light, even in his days as a student he stood out.

Words for Her - Lost Words 2

2008-04-17T23:39:00.000-07:00

Where’d u go
I miss u so
Its seem like forever since uve been gone
Please come back home.

U r the summer the rain and the winter
U r the devil in disguise and my savoiur all the same
U hold me in your palm like a little turtle you found in your sea
And yet I try in vain to make you mine

U r yours, I am yours

And I love ur imperfections, for they are perfect
Your smile makes my afraid to breathe
The way u move excites me
Don’t be afraid take ur place

Be a hero

Be a saviour

Be god

Be one with me

Guns don’t scare me
Ur lips do
I ve thought of kissing them so many times
To taste the flavour of love

U hurt me
I Love u
I hurt u
U hate me
It isn’t fair

U say im mad
I say u r
We r naughty children aren’t we?

And id give it all away
Just to have u to come home to

Tickle me poke me bite me, consume me , I long for it
My feelings aren’t from a card, and my libido makes u fear for ur life
But its ok its alright
Cos I am ur little boy toy
Don’t throw me away
Im still worth a few good times

Reconciliation - Lost Words 1

2008-04-15T13:43:00.000-07:00

You are the wind in my hair, the warmth of my hands, I feel you, I feel you whenever I feel like feeling you, I own you, You own me, your skin is too fair and perfect and soft for you to love me, but you do it any way, you cant escape me, I cant escape you. Your nose is a button on my shirt, my back is ground beneath your feet, I want to hold you, but you are the wind and will not be held. I'm your frog and you are my princess, your eyes are my marbles, my stomach is your pillow. We were one, long ago, when we were angels or rather angel, but we were too destructive a force as one and so nature choose to play safe at least temporarily and made us two apart. The scars of separation are still visible if you look closely enough and if you look very closely, you will notice they fit. Our name was Zacaha and we flew across Heaven, Hell and earth, we did good, too much good, we built with our hands all that we loved, but we loved too much and protected too fiercely, all the others angels fled in fear and complained to the almighty,"Zacaha scares us, Zacaha has become attached, Zacaha has become human." So we became human, but the angels feared still and the shrieked once more "Lord, as one Zacaha shall challenge Heaven's authority and become attached to the world, so let us separate this God among angels, so that in being focused on attaching itself, it doesnt have the chances to understand its true nature and potential".

Did You know?

2008-04-15T13:22:00.000-07:00

Did you know ? Did you know I have a triangular shaped birthmark on my scrotum, Did you know Im writing this because right now its the only real outlet I have for things I dont understand, Did you know Im a real person beyond what You expect of me, Did you know Im in love. Yes Its abt a girl but then again isnt it always, I go off and have this amazing trip, plan to wite all abt our adventures, but then that wudnt be abt a girl, she consumes me. This waiting for her to figure things out, isnt really agreeing with me, she is always on my mind, I wud do a lot for her, in sum ways I already am. But I think I am doing things for me more than anything else, sometimes I feel like Im the only one not in on this joke, like i m groping in the dark trying to understand why everyone is laughing, but I don't understand the joke, I don't think its funny. STOP LAUGHING!!!!!!!! I SAID STOP LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!

To You

2008-04-14T12:44:00.000-07:00

I am writing this to you, cos I cant actually write this do you , cos I d just end up scaring you . You scare easy. I guess the whole world does wen it comes to the truth, so y single u out. I am scared too, scared that not being with u suddenly makes me physically ache, yes I cut u out of my life, once upon a time, i always wondered if i hurt u, I always hoped i did, I wanted to u feel what i was feeling, abused , betrayed, alone, I imagined u alone, finally u had a problem and i would not be around to fix it what would u do then , life without me wouldn't be such a picnic,"HA HA HA HA" I laughed to myself a bitter laugh like villains in movies do, but shook myself out of it before too long and said" she doesn't care, before too long she ll find another me , who am i kidding she never cared. " Maybe we needed this , the both of us, we needed our pain, our vaccinations for life, but we need each other too, I don't know whats holding you back and I wont pretend to understand and I wont beg. But if u wanna walk away from the only real thing that has ever happened to either of us, then u are a coward and a fool. The things I said to u that night when we were honest to each other after so very long, I mean each and every one of them. I know Im not the guy u wud picture urself with wen u were 6 playing with barbie and ken, my picture probably wudnt be ideal for your orkut album to caption proudly below - my boyfriend!!!!, your friends find me disgusting and loathsome . But hey which relationship doesnt have problems, nothing a little honesty, understanding, patience and compromise cant take care of , I'm surprised I m saying these things , Id only say them for you.

Self and the city

2008-03-29T04:32:00.001-07:00

It had been awhile since Ross Carlson had been afraid, not that he was afraid of being afraid. Fear had always been the sentinel at the gateway to fulfillment in his life and he grew to look at it, the way one looks at holograms on apples to know they are of top quality, but this time Ross wasn’t happy with his fear, he tried to outrun his fear with random thoughts and clinch his heart so tight that there was no more room for it. He looked at the guards, each one with one arm hooked into his, he observed how blank and solemn their faces looked, he bet that couldn’t have been the way they actually felt, they were probably thinking about getting a beer after work or how much of a pain wearing those suits were. “Terribly considerate of them” He thought, happy that he had succeeded at diverting his mind from the source of his fear; it didn’t matter anyway, because they were already there.

The trial room was just, as it had been described to him, completely bare except for one bright white bulb dangling on a wire, just above an old steel chair, while the board sat behind the desk in the dark. After the guards left, he sat on the chair comfortably, spreading his legs, leaning forward, looking straight at the dark ominous looking figures and felt surprisingly good. “Mr. Carlson, you may begin your defense, without further delay” said one of the dark ominous looking figures.

Ross Carlson had known one day this day would come; it had taken longer than he expected. Everything about him offended everything these people did and believed in, every stubborn life decision, even the way he moved, dressed and spoke spat in their faces, but he knew that this was not about offending them, they were not angry, nor did have anything against him personally, in fact they did not really see him as a person at all, just a name in a book that needed to be ticked, a rather pesky name that would not be ticked easily, but that was about it. He would not let himself be the victim, for this was his finest moment.

“Good evening, I must rain on your parade here and inform you all your efforts are entirely futile, not to mention completely misguided and utterly meaningless. All of it, the inquisition, the threats, the sentencing, its all been an enormous waste of time and freedom. You can stifle the artist, you are perfectly welcome to banish me, I shall not beg or plead for my rights, but you shall never be able to stop art. For it is omnipresent, in nature, in life and even in you. The best you can hope to achieve is repression, which serves only to arouse even more powerful forms of art and expression. But you all must know that I never did anything with the intention of violating your rules. You need to understand we aren’t just people walking around, doing our jobs, living our lives; we are endowed with the divinity of the creator and are thus creators ourselves. We walk this earth, spiritual beings having human experiences and I will continue my work unhindered by fear or want, for, the quest to seek the hidden meaning of this Universe will go on and I will live my sacred moments through my work for that is the only language my heart knows… We artists have always been misunderstood and prosecuted, today we face our darkest days yet, but we do not lose hope for there is always a need for an artist in society and although you don’t realize it yet, there is an especially great need in the society you control.

Art is the only true work ever done; because it has no reasons other than itself…It is us artists that divulge the secrets of human experience… You ask me to justify art, but art is our very right not to justify. Gentlemen I have done and said everything with utter sincerity to my soul all my life and now you must do the same. You may take your time and give a verdict.”

He spoke the words with an evangelical zeal, the pitch of his voice pendulum like as it echoed in the bare room.

Then as Ross continued sitting still, exhaling a self satisfied puff of air, one of the dark ominous looking figures walked up to him and into the light ceasing to look as dark or as ominous, his skin appeared soft and peach like and his nose was too long to belong to a Director and within two seconds of Ross seeing his face, he had shot Ross in the head twice. The guards reappeared at the sound of the gunshot and dragged Ross’ body away as the Director put his gun away and ordered “Next”.

Michael

2008-03-29T04:31:00.000-07:00

The traffic was more than expected on a weekday, but Michael didn’t really mind, it would give him time to soak in the city, get a feel for the people, it shouldn’t have been too difficult considering that not so long ago he was one of them. It had changed- more billboards, more cars, fewer trees, it didn’t matter, but he sat straight backed and studied every bit of it. He was going to need precision with this city, like a surgeon, in and out, minimize the pain, the mess.

“Miky! It’s been so long, never thought to visit your old Aunt Joyce all these years. Too busy fighting big cases and letting criminals loose and making money. That’s my boy” rambled on Michael’s Aunt Joyce, stopping to hug, kiss and smile every few seconds. Michael thought to reply that he wasn’t a criminal lawyer, but he decided that he liked hugs more than explanations. Her massive figure seemed to flow from her need to speak continuously her wide flabby arms shook as she spoke, competing with her eyes, hands and tongue for air time with her precious nephew, who sat across from her, silent, his young, lean body rigid with its inherent restrained tightness, something people who didn’t know him very well, mistook for hostility. The two apparent opposites oddly seemed to complement each other.

After the flight and long cab ride, he was happy to be home, well as close to home as it got for Michael. Aunt Joyce had a little diner at the back of the her cottage, Michael went straight to the diner kitchen to his old spot next to the stove, where he sat waiting to fill up on Ginger chicken gravy with fried rice.

“You know Miky, I’m so proud of you for finally coming back, I know it isn’t easy for you to watch Sarah get married and that too to your cousin Bobby, after he won all the land in court despite you trying so hard.”

Michael turned towards his favourite person in the world and said in a slow, cold, even tone, “I am not my father. I do not need anything. I have lost nothing. Both Sarah and the Estate were never mine. I do not have a problem with Bobby or anyone else in the family.” He turned back in his seat and looked ahead; there was a moment of awkward silence. “Here eat”, she said, putting his food in front of him. He ate hungrily, relishing every bit and that was all there was to it, nothing more was to be said, all was well.

The next morning after a refreshing night’s sleep, Michael’s Cousin Johnny came over to drive him to the Estate for the reception as Aunt Joyce had left earlier for the ceremony. In spite of being Michael’s first cousin Johnny had remained an entirely two dimensional figure to him, his round features and simple smile gave him the appearance of a caricatured cow boy on a cereal box, which happened to fit in perfectly with his almost comically courteous “How do you, do?” with the slight tilt of his head to the right. Johnny consciously kept himself distant from family matters in spite of having cordial if not close relations with most members of the family, even as a child he seemed uninterested in unnecessary complexities much preferring the simple pleasures of life, which made him the ideal person to take Michael to the wedding.

During the drive Michael’s usually obedient mind slipped from his control, to the Estate, his mother’s Estate, his only inheritance other than shame, to the smell of its earth, to Sarah, the softness of her skin, the smallness of her feet, the fullness of her lips. He was grateful, when his cousin interrupted his thoughts. Michael spoke to his cousin, as he spoke to all his relatives, he nodded along and listened patiently as they spoke about their families and businesses, replied for the most part in monosyllables and ended a conversation in a rude silence if anyone mentioned his late parents, Sarah or losing the family Estate to Bobby, but Michael did not have to worry to much about small talk at the wedding.

“Don’t you look beautiful” said Johnny hugging Sarah as soon as he opened his car door. She stood on the curb outside her own wedding reception still wearing her wedding dress, looking expectantly at Michael, hands firmly on her hips. “So?” she enquired as Michael walked around the car to face her. “So” he replied, standing more casually than was comfortable for him, Cousin Johnny excused himself and left to greet the other guests.

“So do you think I am beautiful?”

“You look nice Sarah”

“That isn’t what I asked you, am I beautiful?” she said demandingly, waiting for a response that didn’t come, “You used to say I was beautiful, do you know what my husband said to me, he said, I ought to have lost a few pounds for the honeymoon. Can you believe that fatso telling me that?” Michael cracked half a smile. “You have been good to me, do you have everything needed?” he said suddenly finding himself next to her. “Yes, everything is taken care of; I handled all the pre-nuptial paper work, fatso was too lazy to even look at it, just like you said. It’s all ours Michael, its all ours. Can we just leave? I don’t think Cousin Johnny would mind us borrowing his car too much, to make our getaway” she said, full lips gorgeous in her longing smile.

“You are beautiful”

Victory Begins in the Mind

2008-03-25T05:50:00.000-07:00

Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I am quite sure it was dreamt of one night, and I am equally sure that when this man who dreamt this particular ‘change the course of human history’ dream, awoke from his enlightening slumber, he awoke with fear, fear that his dream would remain, just that, a dream. But he held on to that dream; he held it in his heart because at first it was too big for his head. He held that dream so tight, that he bled for it. Until one day it stopped being the silly idea of a silly man and a few other silly people that believed in not what was, but what could be and became a part of reality, a reality that changed the lives of many people for the better, a reality he was proud of being a part of.

This isn’t the factual story of how Rome was built, but it most certainly is the universal ‘make it big’ story regardless of what you do for a living or what part of the world you happen to find yourself in. Victory always begins in the voices of our minds; all we really have to do is listen. The most powerful ideas have come from not the biggest or brightest minds, but from the most open. Newton came up with the concept of gravity while watching an apple fall from a tree, Michelangelo first painted the Sistine Chapel in his head, while he was gazing lazily in to the sky.

The secret to coming up with good ideas and keeping your mind open is quite simply believing in yourself. If you can believe that you can succeed at something, maybe you will and maybe you won’t, but if you think that you don’t stand a chance, then you definitely don’t.

The mind constantly throws up many different ideas, some relevant, some not so relevant, but the ones that really count are the ones we love enough to bring to life. Victory begins in the mind, but it definitely doesn’t end there. It takes strength, true strength to make things happen in a world that is external to our minds and often conflicting with our own thoughts. This strength also ultimately comes from having a healthy and balanced mind.

The mind is enormously powerful; every great deed has its seed sowed in the mind of its creator. The mind can also play tricks on you, it can make you sense things that aren’t even there, paralyze you with fear and trap you in a delusional web of confusion and self doubt. Tame your mind and you have conquered the world.

My Vision For The Future World

2008-03-25T05:47:00.000-07:00

No wars, no countries, no religion, no restrictions, no identity, nothing. It’s 2017 and a lot has changed these past ten years. August 27^th2008 the US launches a nuclear attack on Iraq, kicking off World War III. We all knew things would never be the same. In the two years of war that followed ninety million died and a thousand million were maimed for life, but that was just the beginning.

Iraqis versus Americans, Jews versus Muslims, Protestants versus Catholics, Blacks versus Whites, Democrats versus Republicans, Brahmins versus Shudras, no matter who you were or what you did, it always seemed like there was someone out to get you and something to fight for. The world was divided between the fanatics and the secularists. The secularists won.

The secularist organization was founded on the principles of secularism, capitalism, individual liberty, humanism, globalization and hatred for the divisive forces namely politics and religion. A product of the extreme political correctness of the middle class and the rise of the youth in public affairs after the war, the secularists ruled the world unchallenged. They abolished nations and religion, caste and colour, there was nothing they couldn’t defeat, nothing except themselves.

Drugs, prostitution and guns were legalized; it truly was the ‘Free World’. All citizens were equal and no distinctions were to be made, it was just that some citizens within the secularist organization having their own private militaries were a little more equal than the others. Former world leaders including supporters of the secular ideology were executed on the charge of politically dividing the people. The hot blooded, idealistic youth of the war, had become the fat, corrupt, cigar chomping politicians, they had so detested. The cycle was complete, the oppressed had become the oppressors and history had just repeated itself.

Family became an outdated concept and ‘All for none and none for all’ a new catchphrase. Inability to cope with a rapidly changing society and social alienation resulted in twenty percent of the population committing suicide. Those that murder, drugs and gang wars didn’t kill, loneliness destroyed. Hardly anyone ever had kids anymore.

The Human race is dying and perhaps it’s time, after all the lies, all the sins we have committed, it’s almost relieving to think that it will all be over soon, but things were not always this messed up. We were once heroes, making a difference in an indifferent world, standing up for truth, peace and justice, protecting the innocent and punishing the guilty. Yes we did have our day in the sun, but that is all over now, but maybe, just maybe if we try hard enough we can still have a chance.

Caught between the regrets of the past and a hope for a future, I can not help, but wonder. I wonder about the mysteries of man and his ways, about the past and it’s unlearned lessons, about the future and the secrets it holds. I can not help, but wonder.

Ah yes I was saying

2008-03-19T22:27:00.000-07:00

So you see the thing is we are all alive, living, Okay you with me so far. Right so we are all alive living and we all experience life through our perceptions, each of us perceives things according to our own unique perceptual lens. Okay, that’s fine but the thing is, well the thing is I’m sure we have all met people with let’s say bad breath, Okay , so this guy goes around talking, laughing, jumping around doing his thing, in your face and your thinking “ Man! This guy stinks” and he is like “Oh, I am living my life, so fine and dandy, tra la la la”, you know like completely oblivious. This is just an example, but you know what I’m talking about, I think. We all go through our daily lives with a few underlying beliefs in the nature of reality, whether consciously or not, like let’s say “I am changing the world for the better” or “My family loves me unconditionally”. Or “People are basically good” or even something less idealistic like “I am sane”, these underlying beliefs are based on our perceptions, which is another way of saying there are based on reality, so in the theoretical sense not at all problematic. However for all practical purposes in the world, the perceptions and therefore the realities of others, especially the majority are important to understand, although it is impossible to perceive another’s reality without becoming that person nor is it necessary or desirable to bend your reality to fit in with theirs but it is nice to know. So as I was saying we all live by certain beliefs

And than one fine day the Universe in its infinite wisdom and complexity decides to gives us a “reality” check and brings in to our perception reality entirely contradictory to beliefs about who we are, what we are doing and pretty much everything. It’s like having the ground pulled from beneath your feet, your ego are crushed and it’s all too in your face to rationalize or use displacement or whatever other defense mechanism we use, so that this doesn’t happen every day of our lives. So we shut down, we think, we reassess, we say “Ah! I had it wrong before, but by George, I think I’ve got a hang of it now. Why yes, I used to be so silly, all for the better, a life lesson well learnt.” And then we continue life with another set of firmly entrenched principles based of course, not on impractical thoughts or rigid traditions , but on real personal life experiences, how we have grown over the ages, my my. Until of course the same thing happens again and again and again and then you die. So what’s my point, that life is meaningless and painful and we should all sit around wearing black over coats, take anti-depressants and moan about it without making the mistake of ever actually doing something? Well, no, not really, I think if life really is without meaning, then the only real meaning can be pleasure, happiness, fun!!!! And knowing humans, which I think I do, the way to pleasure, happiness and fun is through doing things that are meaningful, even if that meaning is subject to your perceptions. So live life, have beliefs and if things don’t work out don’t worry about it too much or over burden yourself with questions of morality beyond subjective reality, for it doesn’t exist. The universe provides, fare thee well.

Evil

2008-03-19T11:40:00.001-07:00

Just got home, gave my TV radio paper today, man its scary how little these exams mean to me now, somehow it seems so much more important to do things like lie in bed and ponder the nature of reality, type random things in Google and see what pops up, fantasizes endlessly about my super successful and altogether great career not to mention Sex life. But that’s just it- the future. we all tend to think of the future as this great time where the strong will prevail, the weak will perish, the just shall be rewarded and wicked punished, what we don’t see is that the future is something that anyone regardless of who he is or what he does gets to every second of every day. Either which way the point I was going to make is that it seems the future has snuck up on me, it didn’t take to much courage to have big ambiguous dreams back when we were in the First year, but now suddenly everyone seems to be growing up, preparing for entrance tests( and worse yet, missing out on meaningless conversations about nothing for them, I think I if Jerry Seinfeld can create an entire TV series based on meaningless conversations ,then least we can do is miss intensive MBA entrance training classes worth twenty thousand for them), talking about things like responsibilities of the man of the family ( As far as I remember that was Dad's concern). I can just about imagine it now a sexy sophisticated successful young man in an Armani suit with sleeked backed hair, and glasses(well I said he was sophisticated), “ Build your future” he says, as the corporate Bimbette secretaries giggle mindlessly creating the perfect combination of girlish charm and cleavage, one on each of his arms. He looks at each one of them, then looks back at us with his perfect smile (I think I saw him in a colgate ad) and says “The future is now”, the bimbettes giggle, he acknowledges the cleavage with a quick glance on both sides, turns on his heel like model (he is a multi talented chap) and walks away dissing us with a puff of dust kicked up by his foot. The copy then reads “Be a complete human being, join Corporate Commitment Classes, we believe in excellence, leadership, wonderfulness and fineness. And oh did I mention the bimbettes come free of cost, if you choose to go in for our special caliber ultra deluxe package.” Alright once again I’ve completely digressed from what I wanted to say, which is come to think of it completely unrelated..Any how I am tired I got to sleep and the rambling can wait, so see you then.

My Personal Constitution

2008-03-12T01:22:00.000-07:00

I, Raoul Lobo, have solemnly resolved to live life in congruence with all the following principles, I firmly believe in.

· Genuineness: Always staying true to yourself in thought, words and action.

· Bravery: To laugh at the face of fear

· Ambition: To always aspire for more

· Hedonism: To enjoy life and all it has to offer to the fullest.

· Respect and human dignity: For one’s self and others. For it is a universal right and the basis of civilized society.

· Responsibility: To live life in the driver’s seat.

· Confidence: To believe in myself and my abilities.

Happy Birthday to me

2008-03-12T01:16:00.000-07:00

An ancient Japanese proverb say if you shout something out loud ten times it becomes true. I guess the same applies to writing it down. Companies have written visions and mission statements, countries have constitutions, religions have basic tenets because there is power in putting down what you believe in and living it. To that end I have my own constitution, but before that on my birthday I must be grateful to the following for the year that has passed.

My Thanks to

· My family: Because I know I can take them for granted.

· My friends: I never expected to have so many good friends that support me, always thought I’d end up a loner. Old friends who I know got my back no matter what. My friends from college who are a source of learning, companionship and understanding.

· Strange people, occurrences and situations: Because they make life interesting and are opportunities for growth of the best kind.

· Optimists: For disagreeing with me.

Save us from the Saviours

2007-05-22T15:28:00.000-07:00

The exist only to protect us and our fragile culture
Although they say its wrong to dance, to paint or even sing
And when another human being is raped they tell us it was her own doing
They are above the law, it a mere string in the hands of the puppet masters
They are the law- judge, jury and executioner
A new commandment 'hate thy neighbour' they preach
Making millions from loss the comman man they claim to reach
Violence is their way of life, death a mere side effect
A product of democracy chosen by us all
Oh save us fron our saviours, save us all.

Hello all and welcome

2007-03-26T12:52:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my journey through Hedaooland. Hedaooland is many things to many people, a land of adventure, where truth and justice still have a chance, where poltical correctness and diplomacy are yet unheard of, where a frustrated adolescent can mindlessly spew abuses and insults without a second thought, where young Hedaoos can grow and blossom upto more than 9 feet in length or a mere product of an usually inactive imagination's pathetic attempt at making up for lost time. Either which way I hope you enjoy your visit and keep coming back for more